Dawn
by oneoneohohone
Summary: everyone changes, even the one you think is most grounded of all. prequel to 'before we grow up.' semi california diaries crossover. wip
1. Content

**_a/n:_ **characters not mine. etc. sometimes you can be in the middle of something and realize you're not doing what you want to be doing. i'll finish 'before we grow up,' i promise. but until then, this is dawns story. yes, ladies and gentleman... a prequel to an unfinished sequel.

**_description:_** everyone changes, even the one you think is most grounded of all. prequel to 'before we grow up.' semi-california diaries crossover.

* * *

_**Dawn. **_

_**Content.**_

I slam my locker door shut and squeeze past the crowd that had gathered behind me. As I take my first steps I hear a sound, a _fwap_, as my mirror hit my books. It falls down at least once a day. That and my picture of Jake Gyllenhaal.

I make my way down the overflowing hall, using elbows when I have to. I've been at Vista (high) since eighth grade. Being here for three years has taught me to hold no mercy on my fellow students when it comes to navigating the halls. I pass couples sprawled against lockers making out, a guy on rollerblades, a cheerleader getting a piggyback from a Varsity football player, and a brewing fight. I don't bat an eye. I spot Sunny in the distance and call out to her, jumping and waving. I may be one of the taller females in my class, but I'm no match for three senior guys in front of me. One of the guys mock me as he passes a flask to one of his friends. I shove my way past them, uttering a few choice curse words. The guys laugh goodnaturedly and move on.

"Sunny!" I call again. She must not have heard me the first time. She was standing at her open locker, studying her cell phone. She looks up this time and grins, sticking her tongue out at me. Lodged in the middle of her tongue is a silver bar with a black ball. I shriek. "It looks great!"

"Thanks." She replies as I get to her. The word is slightly slurred. "My tongue is still really swollen, that's why I'm talking funny." She tucks her phone into her pocket. "You want to get yours done?"

I make a face. A giant swollen tongue and plenty of pain don't really sound that great. Sunny has talked me into two piercings, my navel and my nose. I was grounded for a month each time. Sunny's dad doesn't mind her holes. She has her navel, nose, lip, eyebrow, and now tongue. I used to think it was a passing phase. Guess I was wrong.

We make our way to the lunchroom, Sunny attempting to convince me to get my tongue done. I'm not sure. I like how it looks, and Dad probably wouldn't even notice it, but that pain...

I grab a garden salad and Sunny gets a fruit platter. We pay and fight our way past the crush of the cafeteria to the quad. The quad is a large grassy outdoor area located in the center of the school and just outside the lunchroom. We take our usual spots sitting on one of the brick planter walls. It's peaceful in the quad. Mostly us sophmores and juniors.

Sunny grabs a clump of her hair with the hand that isn't occupied by a chunk of cantelope. It's light blonde streaked with bright blue. "I'm thinking of changing all of my jewelry and my streaks to black. Be more coordinated."

I squint at her, picturing it. "Could work." I may have put a couple of holes in my body but I wouldn't dare touch my hair with that crap. Sunny liked to make a statement with her appearence. Not just her piercings and hair, but with her clothes as well. Today she wore camo pants and combat boots and a camo t-shirt with a sequinned peace symbol sewn one the front. She wore a small button pinned to the t-shirt that said "Fuck War." So far she hadn't been busted for it.

I looked down at my baggy white capri's and tight white spaghetti strapped tank top. I'm not exactly a controversial dresser. I'm not exactly a controversial anything. My nosering is just a thin silver hoop. Boring.

Sunny and I eat lunch alone, as usual. When Sunny's mom died she started getting strange, and our group of friends pulled away from her. In the end, everyone but our friend Ducky and I pulled away completely. Maggie fell in with the snobbier crowd - she wasn't the only famous daughter at Vista. She claimed those girls understood her life better but they all shunned us "regular" people. Amalia threw herself into school full-force and now hangs out with the newspaper nerds - Sunny's label, not mine. Ducky graduated in January, much to Sunny and I's devestation. He's never fully explained why he'd thrown himself so far ahead, simply saying he'd had enough of Vista. Not that we don't see him almost every day. He goes to Orange Coast College, a local community college. He moved out of his parents house, too, and in with a guy friend of his from school. Just friends, he says. Sunny and I are keeping an eye on that. Ducky's never admitted that he's gay, and sometimes I wonder if Ducky has an interest in either sex. In three years he's never been out on a date, guy or girl. I don't know if he doesn't know or just doesn't care.

Sunny and I chatter about summer. School is over in a week, and I've opted to stay home this summer. I went back to Connecticut last year and was just so... uncomfortable. Everyone and everything was different. Mary Anne, my step-sister, was always out with Stacey and Claudia, or sometimes Logan, who she'd supposedly broken up with again. I spent two months cooped up in the house reading, with the occasional baby-sitting job. Not exactly a swingin' time. Mom was disappointed but not shocked when I told her I'd decided to stay home this year. Jeff decided to stay home, too. Anyway, Sunny, Ducky and I have big plans. Two weeks after school lets out we're all taking a week-long trip to Rosarita, Mexico. In July my dad and Carol are taking Gracie on a ten-day cruise to Hawaii, and leaving Jeff and I home alone. In August we have Ducky's nineteenth birthday, and he's been talking about road-tripping it to Las Vegas. I don't know why he wants to go there, it's not like he can gamble.

Lunch flies by, and soon the bell rings. Sunny makes a face. I know that face.

"I don't feel like class." She whines. I grin, shaking my head. Normally I try to talk her out of it, but it _is_ the last week of school.

"You want to go to the beach?" I ask, just to shock her.

She tries not to show her surprise. "Well, if you want."

I grin and we casually make out way out to the parking lot. Nobody notices, or cares as we approach my car. I got my license as soon as I turned sixteen, and Dad and Carol gave me Carol's six-year-old Camry. He bought her a new minivan. Carol wants to be a soccer mom, I guess.

Sunny and I duck into the car and speed out of the lot. We stop at her house where I borrow a bikini. She's a little bigger than me on top, but it'll work. We made our way through the lunchtime traffic on the freeway and landed at Newport Beach. I grab our stuff and stake out our usual spot (this is our usual beach) while Sunny heads to the Palm Bar and Grille to get us drinks. She has a very successful fake I.D. The bartender at the Palm knows her now so she never even gets carded. I spread out our towels and set up the CD player. Just as I'm about to lay down and close my eyes Sunny comes trudging through the sand with two Margaritas.

"In honor of our upcoming trip." She says, clinking her cup against mine. I giggle and take a small sip. I'm not as big of a drinker as Sunny. She'll finish hers in ten minutes and then finish mine.

Sunny's cell phone rings and she sets down her drink and removes the phone from her bikini top. She has to keep it somewhere. I hate cell phones, which is why I haven't asked for one. Dad was talking about getting me one for my trip, but I can't be sure.

The earpiece is loud and not only can I tell it is Ducky on the other end, I can hear every word he's saying. "We're at our spot." Sunny says, picking up her drink again and taking a large gulp.

"You didn't invite me!" Ducky's voice is muffled but shrill.

"You're in school, college boy."

Ducky quiets at this point, and I can't hear every word. I pick up a few - "not," "class," and "lately." It doesn't take a genius. It's Tuesday, he only had two classes today. I'm guessing he's been skipping one of them.

"Well come down here then!" I shout.

Sunny grins. "He says to tell you to quiet down, and that he got in his car the second I told him we were here." She takes another swig of her drink. It's more than half gone already. I sip mine again. I don't want her getting drunk. I need to drink a little more of mine before she finishes.

Sunny says goodbye to Ducky and tells him to drive safe. When she hangs up she hits "play" on the CD player and the new Jax CD fills our ears. "Ahhhh," she moans, laying back and closing her eyes.

We both tanned in silence for five songs. I mananged to drink half of my margarita before Sunny finished her's and started on it. Just into the sixth song, a shadow fell over us. I opened my eyes and sqinted at the figure blocking the sun. "Ducky?"

"But of course." Ducky replied. We sat up and he plops between us, handing a paper bag to Sunny. "My treat."

Sunny reaches in a pulls out a Smirnoff Twisted V Watermelon. Her drink of choice. "Aww, Ducky, thanks!" She opens it and sets down the bag, which gives the clink of several more bottles. She offers me one, which I turn down, but Ducky's up for it. He twists the top off and takes a swig. I give him a Look. He's driving.

Ducky winks at me and I'm reassured. He's a responsible guy.

He talks about the class he's supposed to be in, which is Fire Science. He'd been contemplating becoming a fireman. "I don't know anymore, though. I really don't like the class." He wrinkles his nose. "Almost seems a little too manly for me." Ducky looks back and forth between Sunny and I, waiting for someone to disagree. No one does. I smile at him a little.

"O-kay..." Ducky says sarcastically. "So we're agreed I'm too girly to be a fireman?"

Sunny looks away. I pretend to brush sand off my leg.

"Josh really is just my friend, you know." Ducky says with a grin. Josh is his roomate. Sunny bursts out laughing. I giggle. Ducky started talking about Mexico. He always changes the subject when the "gay thing" comes up. Sunny says that she asked him outright once, last year. She said Ducky had simply sat there, thoughtful, for about five minutes. Sunny had gotten so impatient she'd told him forget it, nevermind, she didn't care. He'd smiled at her and changed the subject. I have the feeling that, if he is, he hides it because of his brother Ted. Ted is already married and has a kid on the way, and their parents are just ecstatic. More than one time at Ted's wedding reception, which he had taken me to as his "date," Ducky's mom had told him he needed to hurry up and get his own wife. Ducky had simply smiled and nodded, looking a little uncomfortable. Then he'd changed the subject. His parents are always gone and don't know him all that well, and Ted is this macho guy, the polar opposite of Ducky.

We hung out, talking, laughing and planning, until the sun started going down. We then packed up and headed home. I drove behind Ducky, who admitted he was a little buzzed to be driving. Sunny played with my radio and laughed a lot. Sometimes I wish I didn't always have to be the responsible one all the time.

I follow Ducky off his exit. He'd invited us over for dinner and a movie, and we have naturally accepted.

We entered the apartment and Josh looked up from the T.V. and grinned. He was watching "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." Josh loves Brad Pitt. Josh is very, very gay. He dresses in gorgeous clothes and gets his teeth bleached. His hair is always perfect. He has more shoes than Sunny and I combined. He drives brand-new white VW Bug, and it has a GIANT rainbow flag decal on the back window. Josh is very proud. That's why we can't be sure he and Ducky have something going. I don't think Josh would stand for a boyfriend who's still in the closet.

But you never know. Josh runs over to greet us, and before he hugs Sunny and I, he gives Ducky a squeeze on the shoulder. It seems like a boyfriend thing to do. Ducky smiles gently at him. It's a different smile than the one he uses on Sunny and I. We've debated over this for hours when Ducky isn't around. We just can't figure it out.

We all help out in the kitchen and in less than an hour have an amazing meal ready. Pasta with pesto sauce, spinach salad, and grilled tuna. Josh is a chef. We just help out, really. I eat everything, even the tuna. It's amazing. Josh cracks open a bottle of white wine and we all drink. I feel more comfortable drinking at Ducky's place. I know if I have too much I can just stay.

When the food is long gone we migrate to the couch with our wine glasses, all squeezing on. Ducky and Josh sit at opposite ends, Sunny and I between them. I'm next to Josh. We watch a comedy, all laughing the night away.

Some time after midnight Ducky stumbles to bed and Sunny is knocked out cold on the couch. Josh and I remain, watching a rerun of _Law and Order._ I, and four glasses of wine, decide to be bold. "Josh," I ask, "is Ducky your boyfriend?"

Josh leans back and studies my face for a moment. "I think that's something you need to ask Chris." He always calls Ducky by his real name.

"We have. A hundred times. He always says you guys are just friends."

Josh chewed on his lower lip a bit. "Well, if that's what he says..."

I look back at the T.V., frustrated. "If he is, I wish he would just say so." I mutter.

"So are you guys staying the night?" Josh asks.

He really has Ducky's routine down. I glance at Sunny, who was starting to slide off the couch. "Looks like."

Josh get up to get blankets. I stand up myself to pick up Sunny's legs and lay her on the couch properly. I look at the loveseat with disdain. I don't want to sleep on that little thing, it'll kill my back. Instead I cover up Sunny and knock softly on Ducky's door. Josh has already gone in his room.

Ducky opens his door pretty quickly. He hadn't been asleep, at least. "Can I sleep in your bed?" I ask Ducky quietly.

He nods and opens his door all the way. I hurry in and jump in his bed. I'm still wearing my beach clothes, but I don't care. Ducky slides in next to me. He's wearing boxers and a t-shirt. I've never slept in the same bed as Ducky before. He switched off his light, but I can still see his face in the streetlight. He's smiling at me. "I won't take advantage of you, I promise."

"Why?" I challenge him. He knows what I mean.

"You're just very ugly. I can barely stand to look at you."

I giggled and so did he. After some more giggling, and a mean game a footsies, Ducky smoothes my hair away from my face and tells me to go to sleep. I close my eyes and I feel him move closer. I feel breath, then lips, on my forehead. "Goodnight, Dawn." He murmurs.

"Goodnight, Ducky." I reply, sighing. The wine catches up and I'm gone in moments.

* * *

I got home at seven the next morning, plenty of time to eat, shower, and get dressed for school. I dropped Sunny off at her house, promising to pick her up again. Vista is only a ten minute walk, but we have to show up in a car. It's just cool. As I entered the kitchen, Dad didn't even look up from his newspaper. "Hi, sweetie."

Technically, my curfew is midnight, but if I don't come home Dad assumes I'm staying at Sunny's or Ducky's. The first time I came home and told him I'd stayed with Ducky and Josh he'd started to get mad, until I told him Josh is gay. He'd been quiet for a moment and asked me if Josh is Ducky's boyfriend.

Don't we all wonder.

It's nice that Dad trusts me so much. I've never given him a reason not to, I guess. Yeah, he was pissed about the piercings but more on the level of "You should have asked me first," as opposed to "You should not have done it." He's always been open-minded.

I do what I need to do and head back to Sunny's house. She's sitting on her front step, waiting for me. When she sees my car she bounds down the walkway. "Thank God!" She exclaims as she jumps in. "Dad was being a prick. I was supposed to work yesterday. I guess I forgot."

Glancing sideways at Sunny, I realize she's a little _too_ uppity. She starts chattering about a new term she learned, "fag-hags," and how it applies to us. I don't say anything. Sunny has a new habit lately, a bad one, but I try to keep out of it. I know if I say anything she'll tell me she didn't get enough sleep to deal with school, needed a litle pick-me-up. I have to be careful with her, she's terribly rebelious. If I start lecturing her about drugs she'll start doing speed everyday just to prove that she's fine. I've only caught her on it four times, which I guess is still classified as "recreational." Now I'm all for being young and rebellious, experimenting and whatnot, but I don't see the logic behind snorting a drug that's made from stuff that could kill you if you swallowed it. I've tried a few things, usually under Sunny's influence. I smoked pot with her a couple times out of sheer curiousity. I liked it, too.

Ducky once told me he worries that I'm too quick to change for people. I have no idea what her meant by it. I like to try new things, and I like making people happy. I see it as adapting to my surroundings. I may change a few of my beliefs here and there, but what is the point of life if you're the same person throughout? I went vegan for a couple months last year, and then I stopped. I got mad at Sunny for dating around and going too far too young when she lost her virginity to a senior in our freshman year, but two months ago I nearly did the same thing with a guy who was twenty. I was totally ready and willing, but he decided at the last minute (after, of course, I had gone down on him) that he couldn't do it with a fifteen-year-old. I used to claim I would never hurt the enviroment, yet I drive my car to and from school every day just to look cool. People change, and I prefer to go with that particular flow.

When Sunny and I seperated once inside Vista, I headed for the restroom. I entered and breezed past the two girls leaning over the counter to snort cocaine. It's something you come to expect here. Once upon a time I would have run shrieking to school security, but today I simply walk by and smile at the one who isn't snorting. She smiles back.

Just another day at Vista.


	2. Last Day

_**Dawn.**_

_**Last Day.**_

Normally a roll of toilet paper hitting me in the side of the head would piss me off, but not today.

The seniors are insane, tearing the place apart. Something I learned my first year here is that the school staff allows it. The seniors are allowed to make a massive mess, tear posters off the wall, etc. I turn to see who threw the toilet paper, not particularly caring, and watch as two senior girls ran down the hall shouting. I smile to myself. The excitment is contagious. Sure, I'm only going to be a junior next year, but that puts Sunny and I at upper-classmen status and therefor us lowly sophmores have a reson to celebrate as well. The freshman walk the halls looking annoyed and somewhat glum. The eight-graders stay in groups and as far away from the seniors as possible.

I turn back to my locker and put in the combination. When the assembly had let we had been instructed to empty our lockers and be on our way. The hall floor was comepletely covered in trash, but I have a bag to put mine in.

I open the door and my mirror falls to the floor and shatters.

I look down at it silently, feeling a little superstitious. The mirror had not once fallen while the door was open, not the entire year. Breaking a mirror is bad luck. I stare at it for a moment longer and shrug to myself. I'll just get a new one. Maybe it was symbolical of "out with the old, in with the new." Quickly I gather my things and drop my trash into the wastebasket, which is empty. I look down the hall one last time, grimacing at the tresh-strewn floor. Vista has a recycling program. Hopefully they'll put it to good use.

I went down Sunny's way. The hall is still crownded, but not by much. A lot of people had, obviously, dropped their trash and ran. I know Sunny will still be at her locker, though. She'd been warned by security about it. Sure enough, I find her standing in front of her locker, a trash bag beside her. She's attempting to pull stickers off the door. While it looked cool, covered in stickers for bands, cars, anything you could think of, it is not easy to get off. She'd started on the stickers the first day of school and had been warned that she would have to take them off come last day. Sunny had brushed it off, declaring that the last day of school was too far away to worry about.

Now, grunting and cursing, I watch as she scrapes away at the goo they left behind with a razor blade. Two janitor's stand off to the side, looking amused. One leaned toward the other and whispered something in Spanish. I take Italian. But Sunny--

"_Por qué usted no va estrangulación su pollo, pendejo_!" She snaps back at them, spinning around. She's laughing. The two men are, as well. I wonder what she said. I know _pendejo_ means a lot of things, none of them nice. Sunny got along with the school staff like that, though. Janitors, security, even a lot of the teachers. They just knew her and how she was.

The janitor who had whispered says something to Sunny again in Spanish, an amused smile on his face. Sunny sighs. "Are you kidding me?"

"No, _mija._ We just wanted to teach you a lesson." He says, chuckling.

Sunny looks at me, exasperated. "They have stuff that can take this off."

"Takes off the paint, too. We'll have to repaint it." The other janitor adds, unsuccessfully pretending to look angry.

"You repaint these every year!" Sunny shakes her head, holding the razor out to the one who had first spoken. "So am I done?"

"_Sí, hecho_. Thank you, _mija. _We'll see you next year?"

"_Año próximo._ Thanks, Alex, thanks, Manuel." Sunny starts down the hall and I follow her.

"_Adiós, Sol._" The two called in unison. I do know that "sol" is Spanish for "Sun". I wave at them as well and they waved back. Sunny and I are two of the very few students at Vista who acknowledge the janitors even exsist. Orange County isn't well known for it's love of all races.

As we make our way outside we're met by a few friends. I don't really call many people "friends" aside from Sunny or Ducky, but Sunny's actually kind of popular. I guess for being different. As we make our way outside a junior, soon-to-be-senior, named Eddie hands Sunny a bottle of Jack Daniels. The small crowd of people cheer as she chugs it straight from the bottle. I don't know how she does it, whiskey is absolutely disgusting. I stand off to the side. I'm used to it.

Suddenly there are arms around me. I cran my neck, startled at the sudden embrace from behind. It's Matt Vernon, a guy I've gone out with a few times. He's a year ahead of me. "Hi, Dawn." He says with a smile. "You going to Sarah Anderson's party tonight?"

"Sunny mentioned something..." I trail off as he comes around me and hands me a bottle of green apple Schnapps. I look at it for a moment.

"Drink, woman! Get ready for the party." Matt exclaims.

I'm still contemplating when Matt grabs the bottle away from me. I thought he was done, but instead he holds it up to my mouth. Sighing, I tip my head back and he tips the bottle. It isn't bad. In fact, it's pretty good. I take three big gulps while Matt and a few others cheer me on.

Matt lowered the bottle and I catch my breath. Sunny's grinning at me. I grin back and grab the bottle from Matt's hand, taking another swig. What the hell, it's a day for celebrating, right?

We chat with our classmates for a few minutes, then head for my car. As soon as I move I feel it, that tipsy feeling. Already. I walk to the car silently. Once we're inside I put the key in the ignition and start it. Then I look over at Sunny. "I'm a little buzzed already, Sunny."

"Alright, Dawn!" She exclaims. "My dad is at the store, let's go to my house. I've got a stash."

I listen to her, not so much for the stash but because I do not want to go home drunk. I drive slowly, carefully, thanking God Sunny lives so close. By the time we get there, I feel comfortable. It wasn't hard to drive, and I hadn't been swerving or anything.

Once in the house we dig into Sunny's closet and have a fashion show for the party while drinking warm wine coolers. I wanted to wear something comfortable, but Sunny is bickering with me to be sexy for once. After about two hours (and three wine coolers) I gave in, and Sunny dressed me from head to toe. By sxi I'm wearing a little black strapless dress. The skirt only comes down halfway to my knees, and up the sides is a crisscross pattern with nothing under it but skin. The dress is incredibly clingy and revealing, and my father will kill me if he sees me in it. Sunny completes the look by piling my hair on top of my head save for a few wisps here and there. She try's to get me to put on black platform sandals but I draw the line. I'm tall enough as it is. I slip into a simple pair of black thongs to feel a little more like myself.

"Fine, fine." Sunny gives in. "But, you _are_ wearing makeup. Put some on while I get dressed." She tosses me her makeup bag and dives back into her closet. I do as she instructs, but call Ducky at the same time.

"Are you coming out with us tonight?" I blurt before he can finish saying "Hello." I put down the makeup and grab another wine cooler. Make-up can wait.

"I've considered it." Ducky replies playfully.

"Well if you are can you come pick us up? I'm a little drunk." I took a swig from the bottle and looked at it in astonishment. I had already drank half.

"Is this Dawn _Read _Schaffer?" Ducky asks, feigning shock. "Because my friend Dawn doesn't get drunk. She gets pleasantly buzzed."

"Well, she's borderline drunk." I look at the bottle again, shrug to myself, and finish it. "So are you coming?"

"Of course I'm coming. Are you two ready? Shall I come now?"

I glance at Sunny, who's still throwing things from hangers to the floor. "Almost. Come now, anyway. We're at Sunny's."

"Aye aye. I'll be there in about fifteen minutes."

"Is Josh coming?" I ask innocently.

"High school parties really aren't his thing, babe. I'll be there in a few."

Ducky hung up. I looked at the phone. If Josh was Ducky's boyfriend he'd be coming, too. Wouldn't he?

* * *

An hour, and two _more_ wine coolers later, we were pulling up to Sarah Andersons house in Ducky's car. I was feeling great. Why, why did I wait so long to get drunk? I don't understand my logic behind it. I feel fantastic.

Sunny and I burst from the car, tugging down our short skirts. Sunny had gone with a white skintight miniskit and white halter top. Next to her, I don't feel so naked. Ducky surveyed us and gave a low whistle. "You girls look hot." He says. "I'll be the envy of every guy here."

We all giggled and linked arms, Sunny and I each taking a side. We strode to the door and Sunny hit the bell about seven times. The door's opened by a guy I don't know. He's kind of cute. He looks back and forth from Sunny to me, then at Ducky. "Damn, dude. You've got some serious tail here."

"They're strippers. I wanted to impress people." Ducky replied. Sunny burst out laughing, but I supressed my giggles. We shoved past the guy inside. There weren't many people there yet. It's early, after all.

"Drinks?" I asked the person closest to me. It was a guy named Ben, I think.

He pointed to a back door. "There's a keg outside. More people out there, too."

I grab Ducky's arm and pull him with me. "I'm _dying_, Ducky. I need something to drink _now._"

Ducky laughed and followed me. "You might live..." He said as we edged our way out.

"I'm serious. I just got the worst case of drymouth, it's like I'm dehydrated. If I don't get something to drink I'm going to choke. I don't care what it is, even beer. And you know I hate-- how the hell do you use this thing?" I pulled the little trigger on the end of the hose attached to the keg but nothing happened.

Duck is still laughing at me. "You have to pump it."

I look at him blankly. He shook his head and took the cup. "Party girl in training. I'm only going to show you this once." He pumped the keg and filled my cup. After he handed it to me he said "Wait--" and filled his own. Then he toasted me. "To Dawn," He said. "and her newfound knowledge of keg tapping."

"Out with the old and in with the new," I reply, remembering my mirror. We tap our cups together and I raise it to my lips. Without a second thought I begin to gulp. It's cold and wet and that's all I care about. I keep going until I'm done, and fill the cup again. It actually doesn't taste that bad. Ducky's looking at me like I'm insane. "I'm thirsty?" I say to him. "Remember?"

He nodded silently and took another drink.

"Dawn! Duckster! I thought I lost you!" Sunny calls from the doorway. She's juggling three shot glasses. Leave it to Sunny to find the hard alcohol two minutes into a party. Finish that so you can drink this." She says as she comes to a stop in front of us.

I eyeball the shotglasses. "What is it?"

"Just drink your beer. Don't worry about it."

I look at Ducky who shrugs then drains his cup. I do the same. I take a shot glass from Sunny, as does Ducky. We all hold them up. "To what?" Asks Ducky.

"Friends forever!" Sunny sings. We clink the glasses and I drink the shot before I can think about it too much.

"That's not bad," I said to her, smacking my lips. "What was it?"

"Southern Comfort. Tasted good, didn't it?" Sunny replied with a satisfied smile.

"Actually, yeah it did." I looked around. "I need to pee."

"Me too. Let's go." Sunny headed back for the house and I went to follow. I stumbled on the first step. I looked back at Ducky, to see if he'd noticed. He looked back at me with one eyebrow raised, trying not to laugh. I smiled and kept going, concentrating on keeping my balance. Sunny and I find the bathroom quickly and go in together. I sit on the toilet with a sigh of relief. I really had to go!

Sunny is digging in her top. She pulls out her cell phone, and then... a tiny little baggie. She glanced over at me as she dumped a little of it's contents on the counter.

"Sunny!" I crow, flushing the toilet. "What are you, one of those girls at school?"

She's rolling up a dollar bill. "Don't compare me to those coke-whores. This stuff is different. I only do it once in a while."

"I wish you wouldn't."

"Don't lecture me while you're drunk. You want to try it?" She asks, leaning over the counter.

"No, thanks. I've read too many horror stories about that crap." I straighten my dress in the mirror. Sunny snorts the stuff and stands up straight.

"It's a matter of self-control." She says, her eyes still closed.

"Still, no thanks."

Sunny opens her eyes and looks at me in the mirror. She smiles wide. "You look so pretty tonight, Dawn. You pull off the slutty look well. Like me."

I giggle and open the door. "That's us, a couple of sluts."

"_Hot_ sluts." Sunny grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hall. "Want another shot?"

"Sure..."

Sunny gathered Ducky, the shotglasses, and the Southern Comfort, and we proceeded to take not one but _three_ more shots. On the third Sunny slammed her glass down. "I need to DANCE!" She exclaimed, dashing away.

I started to follow her and was hit by a dizzy spell. I swayed and Ducky put his arm around me. "You okay?" He shouted in my ear. When did the music get so loud, anyway?

"I think so!" I shouted back. I tied to walk and swayed again. Ducky caught me.

"Outside!" He shouted. "Get some air!"

I nodded. I was hot, anyway. Really hot. Ducky guided me outside and I felt better instantly when the cool air hit my face. The music wasn't as loud, either. I looked around. There were about twice as many people. We'd only been at the party for maybe, what, half an hour?

I stumbled to the keg. "I'm thirsty." I declared to Ducky. He frowned but didn't stop me. I filled a cup and gulped it. The ice cold beer felt great. "Ahhh..." I moaned. "It was so hot in there!"

"I guess." Ducky sat on a lawn chair. I filled my cup again and sat in his lap. "Thanks, D... Ducky."

"Uh huh." He mumbled, taking the cup from my hand. "Slow down a little, okay?"

I leaned against his chest and closed my eyes, sighing. "Okay..."

I stayed that way for a couple seconds, and then everything started spinning. My stomach heaved. I opened my eyes and sat up quickly. "Ducky?"

He looked horrified. "Don't do it. Not yet. Let me get you--" He held on to me and stood up. "Come on, Dawn, walk."

I walked, clutching his arm. My stomach rolled again as the world spun around me. Ducky held/dragged me all the way to the bathroom. As soon as he shut the door I fell to my knees and heaved in the toilet. When I finished I looked up at Ducky, feeling like a moron. He just looked sympathetic. "You okay?"

"No..."

"You want to go home?"

"Noooo." I felt my eyes tear up. Why? Why am I going to cry? "Dad will kill me. Can I come to your house?"

"Of course." Ducky helped me up and turned on the sink tap, and instracted me to rinse my mouth and splash my face. I did as he said and felt a little better, but not much. Still spinning. Still drunk.

Ducky let me hold on to him and led me slwoly to his car. He put me in the passenger seat and promised to be right back. He had to take care of Sunny. I watched him go, feeling a rush of love for him. I rolled down the window and hung my head out, taking deep breaths of the cool air. Every time I closed my eyes, I wouls spin, so I fought to keep them open. This isn't easy. My brain is practically creaming for my eyes to shut. I moan to myself as my stomach starts rumbling again.

Finally, finally, there's Ducky. he's walking alone, no Sunny. "She's going to stay," He told me, looking irritated.

"Sunny's a big girl." I reply. Right now I could care less. I just want to be in a bed.

Ducky slammed his door and started the car. I kept my head out the window in case I had to throw up again, but found that the wind in my face made me feel better. Every time Ducky hit a stop sign, my stomach would growl. I looked over at him once while he drove. He was sitting far forward, gripping the wheel, and nervously watching the rearview mirror. It occurred to me that Ducky might be a little drunk, too. We hadn't been at the party long but he's drank, what four shots and...

The thought of the Southern Comfort brought it up again. I gagged and threw up out of the window of the moving car.

"Aww, Dawn. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have let you drink so much..." Ducky said. He sounded kind of far away.

"It's okay..." I reply. At least I think I do. I'm having a hard time opening my mouth. I lean on the door again and close my eyes. No spinning this time. I just feel sleepy... Somehow I'm walking, but it's difficult. I recognize Ducky's front stoop... I'm laying down, finally. There's a blanket. There's Ducky, leaning over me in the dim light. "You gonna be okay?" He asks, still sounding far away.

"Okay..." I say with a sigh. I feel him kiss my forehead and want to cry. "I love you so much Ducky..." I feel the room spinning again. "Hold on to me kay?"

The bed dips and Ducky lays next to me and wraps his arms around me. "You're fine, Dawn." He's whispering. "Stop fighting it. Go to sleep."

And I do.


	3. Mexico

_**Dawn.**_

_**Mexico.**_

I don't know how it happened. Sometime between my drunken episode and the trip to Mexico yesterday, I started looking at Ducky in a different way. Maybe it was the way he held me, the way he took care of me. The kiss to the forehead. Whatever it may have been, I have been spiraling into a crush the likes of which I never believed possible. I'm riding a horse on a gorgeous beach in a third-world country, and all I can think about is the way the ocean breeze blows Ducky's hair away from his face in a way that makes him look incredibly handsome.

We got here yesterday, around eight o'clock in the evening, and had all been so tired we'd decided to just crash in the room and get some sleep. Our motel was okay, a little rickety but so far no giant bugs or anything. We even have a TV, although I can't understand what's going on. Sunny attempted translating for me but it turned out to be too frustrating. Eventually Ducky had yelled at us from his bed and we'd gone to sleep.

When we got up this morning, Sunny insisted on laying out on the beach. Ducky argued that we do this all the time at home but Sunny won as usual. Ducky saw the horses and suggested we take a ride. Sunny didn't want to, she's never ridden a horse, so here are Ducky and I, lazily strolling our horses up and down the beach. We've been doing it for an hour. We haven't said much. I'm kind of in awe. It's so beautiful and peaceful here, not like the stories I've heard about Mexico.

Since night of the party I haven't said much to Ducky. I'm pretty embarrassed by my behavior, for one, and then... there are these sudden feelings. It's funny, I've never looked at Ducky in that way before, he's always just been Ducky, my probably-gay-guy-friend. After that night I began to get this inkling of a feeling, and the next time I saw him it sort of went full-blown. I haven't said anything to anyone, of course. I don't feel like getting laughed at by Sunny and I _really_ don't want to confess how I feel to Ducky and get laughed at. So I did what seemed most logical and avoided him. Although that won't be easy, now, since we're sharing a room and riding horses down a beach with the waves crashing and it's all just so damn romantic I could puke. Occasionally I look at him and he's just staring out at the sea, looking peacful. I wonder what it's like to kiss him. I want him to hold me again. I kick myself mentally, because I'm acting like a twelve-year-old. In fact, the last time I remember feeling like this, I was thirteen.

I glance at Ducky again and this time he's looking back at me. He smiles sweetly and I melt a little inside. I've dated a few guys here and there, but they always turn out to be jerks or just guys that don't seem to grow on me. Ducky, I've been friends with him, I've cared about him, for three years now. This is the kind of guy I need. Not just kind of. I need _this guy._ This exact man.

"So what are we doing tonight?" I ask him, cringing at the syrupy-sweet tone of my voice. Stop flirting, Dawn.

Ducky shrugged. "I thought maybe we'd hit one of the bars around here. If that's cool with you."

After the party, after that hangover I had, he wanted to be sure I was up for a little partying. How nice of him. "You want to drink?"

"Yeah, well, I do. It's our first real day here, I kind of feel like letting loose." He winked.

God. "Well, whatever you want to do, I'm up for it." I replied with a smile. What I _don't_ want to do is embarrass myself again. I need to learn when to stop.

Duck glanced at me sideways, looking a little concerned, but didn't say anything else. We continued our ride for ten more minutes, until Sunny started yelling and cussing at us to get off the horses so we could get ready. It was only three in the afternoon, but Ducky said let's go and I followed. We returned the horses and thanked the guy renting them, then met Sunny in the room.

I made it through getting ready, but not without nearly putting my eye out. As I was applying mascara I spotted Ducky in the mirror. He wasn't wearing a shirt, and the light was coming in the window behind him so perfectly - I poked myself right in the eye. Sunny laughed. Ducky pressed me against the wall and told me to calm down while forcing my eye open. I have to say, I enjoyed this up-close inspection much more than I should have, considering I'd nearly put a mascara brush through my cornia. Ducky had declared that I would live, and I had to redo my makeup.

By the time we get to the bar I'm being pretty quiet, but Sunny is chattering enough for all three of us. We waltz right in the door and are not carded when we order drinks. The legal drinking age in Mexico is eighteen, but apparently they don't really check much. Sunny and Ducky are in the spirit and order Pacifico's with tequila shots on the side. I, still weary of alcohol, order a fuzzy navel. Nice and girly. Sunny remarks on my drink and Ducky tells her to shut up. All in all, it's a pretty typical night out for us. The bar is starting to overflow with people from all walks of life. I hear a lot of chatter in both english and spanish. The jukebox blares everything from country music to reggaeton. I finish my drink and, feeling much more relaxed and comfortable, order another one right away. I drink it much more quickly. Ducky watches me but says nothing. Soon enough Sunny drags him away to dance and I'm left alone to hold our table. I watch them for a bit, twirling on the dance floor, uncaring what other people thought of them. I feel a little twinge of jealousy, but forget it when I realize someone has sat down next to me. Startled, I turn away from my friends and find a young, handsome Mexican man sitting in Ducky's spot.

"Oh! Uh..." I rack my brain, searching my spanish for the word "sorry," and at the same time wondering how I was going to get the rest of my point across. A smile spread across the man's face. He waited.

"I-- this isn't... shit." I look around helplessly, not wanting to be rude. I just want to say "Sorry, this seat is taken."

The man's grin widens, and he chuckles. "Are you trying to tell me that someone is sitting here?" He asks in a Southern California accent.

Blood rushed to my cheeks. Dawn, you idiot... "Oh! I'm sorry. I just thought..."

The man raised an eyebrow. I didn't finish my sentence. He smiled again. "I'm Jaime."

"Dawn." I stuck my hand out and he shook it. I would guess he's about eighteen years old. Maybe a little older.

"Pretty name. No, I'm not trying to steal your table. I just saw you sitting here by yourself and wanted to come talk to you. I'm here with a couple friends of mine for the night."

I smiled. He was flirting!

"My friends and I, we're having a little party back at our hotel. We have this huge suite, and if you want to come you're more than welcome..." Jaime trailed off. I smiled brightly at him.

"Sure!" I replied. "I'll bring my friends, too, if that's okay."

"That's just fine." He grabbed a napkin and wrote the name of a hotel and a suite number on it. "This is where we're at. Party starts around ten. Don't be late." He winked at me and was gone just as fast as he'd appeared.

* * *

It didn't take much to convince Sunny and Ducky to go to the party, they were already pretty drunk. Deciding to loosen up, I order two more drinks before we leave and gulp them down. I'm feeling pretty good, just silly and happy. It's not hitting me like a ton of bricks the way it did at the last party. For this I'm grateful. We walk to the hotel, which is a monsterous resort that we could have only dreamed about staying in. I lead the way for a giggling Ducky and Sunny. At one point Ducky puts his arm around me. He's done it a million times. I almost wish it wasn't so different now, but I still shiver with a little thrill.

When we get to the hotel room Jaime answers the door, and I'm disappointed to see there are about twenty other people there. I'd been feeling a little special up until that point. Then Jaime grabs my hand and directs me toward the drinks. I forget about Ducky for a minute as he pours me a beer, looking into my eyes and smiling, telling me he's glad I came. He tells me to hurry up and drink and I do. I follow him around the room as he introduces me to people. Sunny and Ducky are sitting on a couch chatting with some other people I don't know. I finish a second drink. All in all, it's pretty fun.

After what feels like hours, Jaime sits down and starts talking to me. He tells me about school, how he goes to UCLA. I haven't mentioned that I'm only sixteen. I'm not really sure if those kinds of laws are the same in Mexico. Not that I intend to do anything. Or at least, that's what I kept telling myself. Yet sometime between my fourth and fifth beer I found myself kissing him. It's amazing really, how that happened, because I don't really recall who initiated it. Yet here I am.

I opened my eyes in mid kiss and glanced over his shoulder, toward my friends. The were't paying attention. In fact, Sunny was leaning over the coffee table with a rolled up dollar bill in her hand, laughing. And Ducky--

Ducky was sitting up. He wiped his nose and laughed along with Sunny. I pulled away from Jaime suddenly, shocked, yes, but mostly curious. "What are they doing over there?" I asked him.

Jaime shifted in the chair to look, no easy task for him since I was in his lap. "Oh. They're just partying. Don't worry, we're not going to get busted." He trailed his lips down my cheek.

"But what is it?" I insisted.

He brought his lips to my ear. "_Cocaína._ You want some?" He asked in a whisper.

Cocaine. It baffled me. As far as I know, neither Sunny or Ducky had done it before. Sunny stuck to speed, and Ducky just... doesn't do that kind of stuff. At least, I thought he didn't. Ducky's eyes met mine, and he smiled at me. My curiosity spiked. Guilt enveloped me. Here I was, making out with some guy I barely knew, for all of the world and _Ducky_ to see. If there was a chance, I may have just ruined it.

I crawled out of Jaime's lap and made my way toward the couch. Ducky was still smiling, but Sunny had a grimace on her face. I know what she's thinking. Here comes a lecture.

Instead of lecturing I sat down next to Ducky. There really wasn't room for me so I was sort of right on top of him. I glanced back toward Jaime. He was talking to some guy. Forgot me already.

"What's it like?" I asked Ducky in a low voice.

Ducky looked a little taken aback. I guess he'd expected me to start lecturing, too. "It's... fun." He admitted, looking a little guilty. "I just sort of decided to try it. Sorry."

I looked him straight in the eyes. "You don't have to apologize to me for anything." I glanced down at the coffee table, where there was still plenty to go around. "Should I?"

Ducky squeezed his eyes shut. "I can't tell you no, I'd be a hypocrite." His eyes open again. "If you want to, Dawn. I'll take care of you, you know that."

He whispered that last part.

If I were a little more brave, if I weren't ninety-five percent sure Ducky is gay, I could have kissed him right there. That other five percent was screaming at me to. Another part of me is saying something else. Something to do with maybe I haven't ruined my chances. If I can show Ducky that I'm interested in what he's interested it, if I can prove to him that I trust him when he says he'll take care of me, if I can say "See? I'm not so uptight after all!" Maybe, maybe I have a chance.

"I want to do it." I whisper back, not taking my eyes from his.

Ducky nods, handing me a little straw he held in his hand. Someone, someone I don't know, is already setting up a line for me. Sunny is watching me, her eyes glassy. She says nothing.

"Snort quick." Ducky instructed me. "It's going to taste like aspirin. So don't gag." He said with a grin.

I leaned down, a billion thoughts racing through my head. What's in this? What will it do to me? How will I feel? What if, what if, what if. I look at Ducky one last time. He frowns.

"Don't do this if you don't want to." He says, worry creeping into his voice.

I lean down, and do it. For him. So he knows I can be fun. So he knows we like the same things.

My nose, than most of my face, go numb for an instant. Then I feel burning. Then I taste that bitter, aspirin taste in my throat, and make every effort not to gag. I sit up and breathe, waiting for whatever may happen to happen.

I meet Ducky's eyes again. His gaze is a little more blank now. He looks a little concerned but is also smiling. Sunny is grinning ear to ear. "Are you okay?" She asked.

I nod. "Yeah... I'm fine." So fine, in fact, I'm a little disappointed. I really don't feel different at all.

The guy who'd set up my line laughed. "Okay, newbies. One more each. We'll get you guys high yet."

Sunny quickly did another line, as did Ducky. Ducky looked up at me with a very sloppy grin when he was done. I leaned down for the second time--

The rest is a blur. I know there was a lot of dancing, a little more drinking. I remember spotting Jaime making out with some other girl and Ducky reassuring me that Jaime must be a giant asshole. I remember the walk back to our motel was eventful, loud, and fun. I remember Sunny rushing to the bathroom to vomit as soon as we had the door unloocked, and Ducky inviting me to sleep in his bed just in case she got sick again. He kissed my forehead again. I also remember Sunny groaning for us to shut up as we laughed the night away, unable to sleep.

We must have at some point because the next thing I know I roll over and open my eyes to discover that it's two in the afternoon. Sunny is still dead to the world in her bed, and Ducky is snoring softly next to me. Suddenly my head _screams_ in pain. I squeeze my eyes shut, but it's too late. I moan loudly, my stomach churning.

"Ducky..." I groan. His eyes open slightly. He's going to feel as bad as I do.

"Okay?" He mumbles.

"I'm going to die."

"Sleep."

I shut my eyes again, and I feel like I'm spinning. I moan again.

"Stop moaning. What will the neighbors think?" Ducky's eyes are still barely open. Even in my pure agony, I blush. It's just a joke, I know. But still.

"Will you guys shut _up_?" Came Sunny's voice from the other side of the room. I heard the bathroom door slam shut. I looked at Ducky again. His eyes were closed.

"Wake up."

"No."

"Come on. For me?"

Ducky's eyes slitted open again and he gave me a half smile, half grimace. I wonder. I really wonder.

Through the paper thin walls of the motel room, I can hear Sunny sniffing in the bathroom. Getting her pick-me-up. I sat up slowly, holding my head. Next to me, Ducky sits up as well, his arm brushing mine. I shiver a little, but he doesn't seem to notice. Sunny comes out of the bathroom with a smile on her face and grabs her clothes. "Man, you guys look like shit." She comments, her eyes bright. She disappears back into the bathroom.

Ducky scoffs and crawls out of the bed. He's only wearing his boxers. "If only I had a magic powder to make me all bright eyed and bushy tailed."

"We should steal her stash." I reply, only half joking.

Ducky stretches and pulls on a t-shirt. "Somehow I don't think the answer to curing a drug hangover is more drugs."

"You're right." I agree quickly. "It's not a good idea."

Ducky gave me that strange look again, but didn't say anything. "Well.. at least alcohol is legal." He bent over the little refridgerator and opened it. "Beer, Dawn?"

"Sure!" I reply enthusiastically. He tosses me one and I open it, though I really don't feel like drinking or doing anything but laying around feeling sorry for myself.


	4. Alone

**a/n**: boo! been a while, right? hope i didn't scare anybody! hehehe...

* * *

_**Dawn.**_

_**Alone.**_

Hands on my hips, I tried to glare at my little brother. Because he's a pain. Because he's a brat.

I can't pull it off. I feel my face cracking a smile.

Jeff's face spreads in a smile, as well. He knows he's won. "Agreed, then. I won't tell."

With a hearty sigh, I nodded. Jeff took off upstairs, shouting that he was getting dressed. Ever since he turned thirteen he's been caring about how he looks, dressing nicer. He's always been pretty mature for his age. We can handle him.

I had argued for my little brother the entire drive home from Long Beach. We'd taken Dad, Carol, and Gracie, seen off their ship. As the ship left the dock, Jeff had murmured something about staying for the party. Originally he'd been talking about staying at his friends house tonight, so I figured that Sunny, Ducky, and a few friends could come over no problem. Somehow, I have no idea how but _somehow,_ Jeff managed to find out my plans.

So now Jeff would be there. His condition for not telling Dad about this, or anything else he caught me doing while they were gone, was that he be involved.

It's just Ducky and Sunny and a few friends. It shouldn't get too wild. Maybe I'll let Jeff try a wine cooler or something, keep him happy. Maybe, just maybe, if we're boring enough, he'll leave us alone.

Sighing, I head up the stairs myself. How lame were these people going to think _I _am? A little thirteen year old at a party. God.

I slam my bedroom door and survey my mess. Clothes. Think about clothes.

Maybe it's for the best that Jeff will be here. I won't get drunk and stupid with him around. I won't say anything I don't want to say. That's getting very, very hard. After spending a week in a motel room with Ducky, I simply avoided him best I could for two weeks after we got back. Sunny, too. I claimed I was sick, that I had picked something up in Mexico. They bought it. Then last week Sunny started pestering me about the Summer's Second Event, as she called it. The leaving of the parents.

I put on a white bikini, dropping a short yellow summer dress over it. I'd told everyone to bring bathing suits, for the pool. I pulled my hair back into a long ponytail and perched sunglasses atop my head. I didn't put on makeup. Again, pool.

Checking my image in the mirror, I felt satisfied. I ran back downstairs, barefoot. Who needs shoes at a pool party?

I found Jeff in the kitchen, shoving potato chips into his mouth. He looked good.

"Hey!" I said, giving him a little shove. "Those are for the party. Come on, help me cut up the veggies."

For about a half an hour we worked, cutting up vegetables and mixing dips, arranging platters. We hauled them outside and set them on our patio table beside the pool. I stood back and surveyed. "What do you think?"

"Looks fine. Where's the booze?"

I gave Jeff a withering look. "There's not going to be–"

"Come on, Dawn, stop lying to me."

I sighed. "Well, I don't have any. I guess it's sort of BYOB? If anyone wants anything? I'm not going to stop them. I'm not going to be drinking, I don't think. And neither are _you_." I added for good measure.

Jeff scoffed. "Please, Dawn. Like I've never tasted alcohol."

I raised my eyebrows. Jeff's drank before?

Jeff stared at me evenly. Not talking.

"Might as well tell me, I already know you did it." I offered.

He sighed. "Parties, you know? I mean, didn't you ever do stuff like that when you were my age?"

I thought about the BSC, the biggest bunch of goody-goodies east of the Mississippi. "Not in Stoneybrook..." I started thoughtfully. "Not really here, either, I don't think. Sunny did. A lot." The idea of Jeff doing the things that Sunny did scared me. "Look, just be good, okay? This is just a kick-back. And if you're going to be doing stuff like that at parties... let me know, okay? That why I can come get you if you need me."

Jeff rolled his eyes. "Sure."

The doorbell rang, and I made a mad dash for the door. I threw it open to find Ducky. "Hiiii!" I cried.

He threw his arms around me, kissing my cheek. "Ah, Dawn. Are you feeling better?"

I cleared my throat. "Uh... yeah." I muttered, trying not to think too much of how his arms were around me.

Ducky pulled back, and, arms still around me, looked into my eyes. I shifted, but held his gaze. "I really missed you, you know." He said softly.

I smiled a little, studying his eyes. Maybe I'm looking too much into it, but there's a softness there, something. Almost flirty. I stood up a little straighter, putting my arms around his neck. "I missed you, too." I replied sweetly, all thoughts of letting it go flying out the window. I felt him wrap a strand of my hair around his finger and shivered a little, but did not dare look away. It feels like one of those moments you see in the old movies, the couple look into each other's eyes, the man leans down and kisses her passionately...

Of course, as soon as it had started, it was over. Ducky let me go and picked up a bag he'd had sitting by his feet. "I brought fun stuff." He said, opening the bag and handing me a bottle. I looked it over. Mikes Hard Lemonade.

"Is it good?" I asked, twisting off the cap.

"It's great. Tastes like lemonade."

I took a long swig. It really _was_ good. A lot of these flavored drinks have a hard bite of alcohol in the end. This went down smooth. "Yummy." I said, smiling at Ducky. Not a friendly smile. A smile that told him something else. He winked back at me, and headed toward the backyard.

Funny. It seems like he's flirting back with me. I briefly indulged in a fantasy of Ducky spending the last two weeks pining away for me, miserable, as I slowly closed the door. I took another long drink of the lemonade. Already half of it was gone. I walked quickly to catch up with Ducky. "Where's Josh?"

A shadow passed over Ducky's face, gone so quickly I wondered if I might have imagined it. "He's up in San Francisco visiting some friends." Ducky said cheerfully, passing into the backyard. He looked around. "Don't you have somewhere to put the drinks?"

"I don't..." I trailed off. Shit.

Ducky grinned. "Rookie." He glanced at his watch. "Well, it's a little after six. You told people to be here at seven, right? Does your dad have an ice chest? Let's go to the store."

I followed him silently to his car, feeling like an idiot. How do you have a party and not think of a place for drinks? Dumb.

The liquor store is only down the street. Ducky opens my door for me, and when I step out of the car, he grabs my hand. Electricity sparks all the way up my arm and into my brain. What is going on? He hold my hand into the store, then to the ice, where he finally lets it go to stack to bags of ice in my arms, grabbing two himself. We set the ice on the counter and argue briefly about who's paying. It's my party, so I insist. Ducky relents. The cashier is putting the ice in bags for us, and as I take my wallet out of my purse, Ducky's puts his hand on the small of my back.

I shiver again. This time he must have felt it. I glance up at him briefly from my wallet and he smiles. I look back down. _What_ is going on? Ducky has touched me before, he's held my hand before, but something is different. Something is strange. Ducky is flirting with me. I know he is.

When were back in his car I felt... awkward. I felt like smacking myself in the head for it, too. This is what I want! I want Ducky to like me! This is my wish, coming true. Ducky, my probably-gay (but maybe not?) friend, is flirting with me.

I rode silently back to the house. Ducky didn't say anything, either. At least _he_ didn't seem uncomfortable.

Ducky lugged the ice through the house as I stopped in the garage. I know we have an ice chest. I just don't know where. I surveyed the garage briefly, seeing nothing within my reach. I looked up and spotted it immediately. In the rafters. Dismayed, I dragged the ladder to the side of Carols van and climbed it. When I got to the rafters I had to lean over the ladder to get to it.

It was a far reach. I braced myself and leaned further, feeling stupid again. If I fall, it's nobody's fault but my own. Put that on my headstone.

I grasped a handle and sighed with relief. I pulled the chest toward me, settled back onto the ladder, feeling more steady, and–

"I can see up you dress."

The ice chest slipped from my already loose grip as I jumped. I gasped and cursed as it his the hood of Carols van. Ducky retrieved it, wide eyed. "I'm sorry, Dawn!" He said, trying not to laugh. He bent over the van. "Oh..."

"What? Shit! What is it?" I swooped off the ladder, and, in my haste to see the van, bumped into it. I watched in horror as it fell, too fast for me to stop it. I shut my eyes at the last second, and heard the crunch of glass, then the ladder hitting the ground.

Oh no. No no no.

I covered my face, not wanting to see. "Oh, God. How bad is it?"

"Well, the ice chest left a little dent in the hood..." Ducky said, sounding amused.

"This isn't funny, Ducky!" I yelled, finally looking. The minivan's windshield had a large crack spreading across the passenger side. "Oh, God! I'm going to have to pay for that! How much does a new windshield cost? And what about the dent? Oh, God! The party I'm not supposed to be having hasn't even started yet and there's already property damage. Dad's going to kill me. What am I–"

"Dawn!" Ducky said with a chuckle. "Relax! We'll take it to get it fixed tomorrow. They'll never know."

"But what about the money? I don't have enough–"

"I'll loan you the money. It's my fault anyway, for scaring you. Now will you come outside and have a drink?" He picked up the ice chest.

"You didn't scare me." I retorted, following him. "I was surprised. That you would say something like that."

Ducky stopped and looked back at me. "I say stuff like that all the time."

"Yeah, but..." I trailed off. Whatever is going on... maybe it's in my head. If I call him on it, and it's not true, then what? "Oh, nevermind." I muttered, shoving past him outside. Jeff was laying on a lounge chair by the pool, one of the lemonades in his hand. I opened my mouth to protest, but spotted my own nearly empty bottle on the table and decided it might not be a good idea. Instead I kicked his chair as I passed and gave him a dirty look. He toasted me and closed his eyes.

"Jeff, that's it, pal. I didn't buy those for you." Ducky's voice rang out. I looked at Ducky and gave him a grateful smile. He winked and poured a bag of ice into the chest.

"Eh." Jeff replied. I wasn't sure what to make of it. Probably it meant "Don't worry, I'll find something else." Well.. I guess it's okay. I'd rather he be doing this at home. I swigged the last of my bottle and grabbed a fresh one, twisting it open. This party is already way too stressful. I need to relax.

"Did anyone order a plethora of alcoholic beverages?" Came a cry from inside the house. I heard the clinking of bottles before I even saw her. Jeff perked up right away as Sunny emerged from the back door, loaded with shopping bags. "God, I love that I.D. It's so handy."

"How many people are coming?" Jeff asked, looking at the bags with wide eyes.

"Sunny! You dyed you hair!" I shrieked, running up to her. He hair was red. Not like Mallory Pike redhead, but like a fire engine.

"Dyed? What are you talking about? I'm a natural redhead!" Sunny retorted sarcastically. She set down the bags and embraced me. "I missed you! I'm so glad you're better!"

Jeff snorted. I shot him a Look. He knows they think I've been sick. He doesn't know why, but he agreed to keep his mouth shut. I held Sunny at an arm's length and surveyed her. She looked good with the red hair. Then again, she could pull off anything. "I like it." I said. "You have my stamp of approval."

"Thank God. Duckster!" Sunny cried, picking up the bags again. They clinked all the way over to the ice chest.

"That's a lot of booze. I thought you said this was just a kick back?" Jeff muttered from beside me.

"I thought it was, too." I replied slowly. "I don't know. But _you,_" I said, turning to him, "Need to watch yourself. I'm not going to tell you to be an angel but if me, Sunny, or Ducky think you have had too much, you're up in your room, got it?"

"Got it." Jeff replied, grinning. "Thanks, Dawn. I'm glad I have such a cool sister."

I don't know how glad I am. I took another long drink as Jeff settled back in the chair. Sunny and Ducky were arguing about weather to use the patio table as a bar or bring out a folding table. Suddenly Sunny turned around. "Hey, Dawn? Are you wired for music out here?"

* * *

Two hours, an extension chord, a folding table, twenty guests and five drinks later, I was sitting on the lounge chair Jeff had occupied earlier, surveying my party. I didn't know most of the people there all that well. They were Sunny's friends. A few people were in the pool. The sun had finally set, and I had thrown on the backyard lights. All in all it was pretty cool. Sunny had drug my father's stereo and speakers from the living room outside and was playing DJ, mixing up all kinds of music. Jeff lost interest sometime around eight and had gone up to his room to play X-Box, thank God. So far nobody was getting wild, everybody was having a good time. I felt good as I stretched out on the lounge, enjoying my not-too-drunk buzz. Ducky was nowhere in sight. Hasn't been for a while. 

Sunny ditched the Cd player and sat down next to me, holding two shot glasses and a bottle. "Dawny." She said with a grin. "Guess what?"

I looked down at the bottle. Jack Daniels. "Oh, Sunny... no. I don't think I can handle that stuff."

Sunny scoffed. "You are well on your way to being a party girl. You need to learn to love the hard shit."

"Can't we... mix it with Coke or something?" I pleaded. I've never tasted whiskey, but I've seen other people drink it. I don't want to make that face.

"Nope. Straight." She poured the shots. "Just drink it, Dawn. Drink and be merry."

I sighed, and clinked my glass to hers. "Okay. On three?"

"One... two... three!"

I tossed the glass back and let the whiskey into my mouth, swallowing quickly so I wouldn't taste it. Not such luck. I gagged, gasping. "Sunny! That's horrible! It's..." I sucked in a few deep breaths. "Wow that is awful! How can anyone _like_ that? Uhg!"

Sunny was just grinning. She poured two more shots. "One more and I'll leave you alone."

"I'm gonna barf all over you, I swear." I grumbled. I took the glass, clinked it against hers, and swallowed it without a countdown. I just wanted to get it over with. It wasn't as bad this time. Probably because my mouth and throat are still numb from the first time. My stomache gave a small rumble, but I ignored it and swigged my lemonade to get rid of the taste.

"See? Not so bad. You'll thank me in a few minutes."

I don't know about thanking her. I'm still not quite sure how I like being that drunk. The way I feel right now is just fine, but...

I sat in the chair a few more minutes, watching Sunny making the rounds to her various friends with the bottle of whiskey. Nobody else protested the way I had. I guess I'm still a little behind these people.

I sighed and pulled myself up, headed for the bathroom. When I stood I swayed a little. I put my hand on top of the chair to steady myself. Oh, God. No more drinking for me.

I stumbled up the stairs to my bathroom, so I could brush my teeth, get the taste of whiskey out of my mouth. As I passed Jeff's room I peeked in. He was perched on his bed, mesmerized by _Grand Theft Auto: Vice City._ Dad let him get it. I don't think it's so great. Then again, I let him drink.

"Hi Jeffy." I said, leaning in the doorway. "You doin' okay?"

He paused the game and glanced up. "You're plowed."

I giggled. "A little. Are you okay up here? You can come back down."

"Naw. No offense, but your friends are boring. I don't know anybody."

"It's fine." I said as Jeff unpaused the game. I ducked out and hit the bathroom, where I brushed my teeth and hair, and splashed water on my face. When I emerged I felt better. Still drunk, but less like I was going to fall down. I made my way down the stairs carefully, though.

As I came to the last step I spotted Ducky, who's been missing for about an hour. It was a familiar scene; Ducky sitting on the couch with a group of people, leaning over the coffee table, a straw in his hand...

He met my eyes, guilt washing over his face as I approached. I know what the guilt is. He thinks I'm going to be mad, having this stuff in my house. At this point, I really don't care. I want Ducky to know I like him. Because he _was_ flirting earlier. Because there _is_ something there.

"Whatcha doin'?" I asked with a smile, sitting next to him.

"Oh we're just... you know." Ducky looked down. "Sorry."

"It's fine." I waved my hand. "You should have invited me!"

"This isn't... the same stuff." Ducky said in a low voice.

I raised my eyebrows. "What is it?"

"It's... speed."

Like Sunny does. I took a deep breath, and looked into Ducky's eyes. We stayed that way again, like earlier, at the door. A Moment. That's what it is. I know it.

"Let me try it." I breathed.

Nodding, but not looking away, Ducky handed me the straw. "Go ahead."

As I took the straw his hand covered mine, and he held it for a moment.

Something. It's something.

I leaned over and snorted the line without really thinking. I sat up quickly, so quickly I got dizzy. Ducky grinned and me and did a line, too. As he sat back up it hit me. Adrenaline. Energy. Passion. _Something._

Without thinking, I hooked my arm around Ducky's neck and pulled him into a kiss. He made a surprised noise as I pressed my lips to his. Really it was nothing more than smashing our faces together.

But then, his mouth opened. Maybe to protest. But he wasn't pulling away. _Something._

I was in awe of myself, forcing a kiss on my probably gay (but maybe not) friend Ducky. Somewhere in my head, I knew I had to stop. But there was _something._

As shocked as I was at myself, what I was doing, what I had done tonight, what I've done this summer, nothing, nothing in this world could have shocked me more than when I realized Ducky had started kissing me back.


	5. Meltdowns and Mistakes

**_Dawn._**

_**Meltdowns and Mistakes.**_

Something's wrong.

I open my eyes slightly, to see Ducky's face. His eyes are closed. So close to mine.

My body jumps. Maybe it's the drug. Or maybe it knows something.

I pull away from Ducky, who opens his eyes and smiles at me. He grabs my hand and leans in again. I turn my head.

Something isn't right.

The something is Sunny Winslow, all bright red hair and white-hot anger.

My eyes widen as I meet hers. She is enraged, her mouth hanging open, wanting to speak, shout, _scream_, but she can't. She can only seem to shake her head.

Ducky is occupied with me. He's twirling my hair around one wrist, marching his other fingers up my arm. Boyfriend stuff. Oblivious.

Sunny suddenly turns and is off like a shot. I am right behind her. I feel a slight pain in my head, and somewhere among my racing thoughts I realize that my hair head still been wrapped around Ducky's wrist. Was it still there? Did I pull it all out? Did he finally notice Sunny, or does he just have too much crap in his system?

Drugs. Sunny was just ahead of me, on the same things I was. Too much alcohol and speed. She'd never get away from me.

I was running down my street now, chasing her. My lungs were already starting to burn in protest, but my mind, my heart, said _go, go, go_! This stuff is amazing.

I took a fiery breath and dug in my heels, channeled even more energy from what I knew I must have from this stuff. I felt myself speeding up, and I saw the gap between my best friend and I closing.

It feels like hours. In reality, we're only four houses down from my own.

I catch her.

I'm not sure what my plan was. I'm not even sure why I'm chasing her. Why is she mad? Why is she running? Why did Ducky kiss me? Oh, God. Does she still like him?

These thoughts race through my head as I grab her from behind. I throw myself to the left and we both roll onto one of the neighbors lawns. Sunny shrieks, but stops when she realizes it's just me. We both say for a moment, catching our breath. Then she sits up - probably to run again. I grab her arm. "Don't– Sunny... what?" I gasp, still unable to catch my breath.

Sunny yanks her arm away hard, jumping up. She doesn't run. She stands over me. She always has to be in power. "You _know_ I always liked him! _YOU KNOW THAT!_ What the hell were you doing?! He's _gay!_"

A dog barked, and the porch light on the house we were in front of came on. From nearby I hear Ducky calling our names. Sunny looks down at me again - disgusted, enraged, wanting to fight. I sat up further. "Sunny, please, it wasn't--"

"The hell it wasn't. I've been watching you lately. I just didn't think you would fucking _act_ on it. Knowing how much I liked him, from day one! Gay, straight - who cares?! You're my _BEST FRIEND!_"

She roared those last words, and took off running once again. I called her name weakly but didn't follow. Tears fell down my cheeks. The front door of the house opened, the owner crowing something about getting off the grass.

Someone put their hand on my shoulder as I cried. I heard a familiar voice - Ducky - apologizing to my neighbor. Then "Get up, Dawn. Come on. He's mad."

I stood, unable to look at Ducky, unable to touch him, disgusted with myself and what I'd done. Not kissing Ducky. I'm okay with that. Sunny's crazy. But the drugs. God, what am I doing? _Why_ am I doing it? And why do I want more?

My racing mind clicked on meth facts, and how addicting it is. _Just once_, it says somewhere in some article I must have read long ago. _Do it once and you're addicted._

I started crying harder, so I sat on the sidewalk, pulling Ducky with me. He sounded panicked. "Dawn? Dawn, are you going to be okay? Did you do too much? Dawn?"

To be honest, I don't know why I'm crying. Sunny irritated me more than upset me. She's so dramatic. She did scream at me pretty good, though. I hate being yelled at. And I'm drunk. I should probably say something, Ducky's freaking out.

"I'm . . . I'm okay." I muttered, trying to compose myself and looking up at him. "I think I drank too much. Sunny and her Jack Daniels."

Ducky looked relieved. "So you're okay? You're not, like . . . having a bad reaction?"

"No, no." I sighed heavily and stood up, looking toward my house. All those people there. Ugh.

"I'll get everyone out." Ducky said, reading my thoughts. "Boring party anyway."

"Yeah . . . Ducky?"

"Dawn?"

Why did you kiss me back? Are you gay? Do you like me? What's going to happen? "Do have any more?"

I couldn't believe, of all the questions zooming through my head, that _that_ was the one to pop out. Do I really want to do more?

"I... uh . . . " Ducky sounded flustered. "Not with me, the guy who brought it . . . I mean, where we were? In the livingroom? You want more?"

I nodded. My tears were gone. A new burst of energy was hitting me. I wanted more, alright. More of all of it. More speed, more Ducky . . .

He led me to the place we were before, where I did not one but two more lines. When I finished, I had the urge to get Ducky again, but resisted. Instead I ran out the back door, stripping off my dress and jumping into the pool.

I opened my eyes once in the lit water, and swam for the bottom. I looked up, at the legs of my party guests. I smiled. I felt like I could hold my breath forever. I'm not quite sure how long I sat there at the bottom of my pool, looking up. Couldn't have been more than thirty seconds. But it was enough to freak Ducky out all over again.

I watched, amused, as his body flew up and into the water, fully clothed. He got to me fast. I smiled at him. He didn't look as amused as I was. Instead he looked mad as he grabbed my arms and pulled me to the surface.

I guess I was wrong, because when my head hit the air I gasped heartily. How much longer would I have made it? Would I have known I had to breathe?

No more swimming.

Ducky guided me toward the stairs. Nobody was paying any attention to us. This is Orange County. People only care about themselves. Once we were out of the pool I plopped into a chair at the patio table. I still hadn't said anything.

Ducky didn't look happy. He pulled off his soaked shirt and threw it to the ground. Then he unbuckled his belt. I grinned at him.

He stopped.

"I was going to get everyone out of here. Wasn't I?" He said, sliding the belt back into place slowly.

"You were."

"Right." He stayed where he was, looking at me. I looked at him. We looked at each other. What was it? What happened? Why had I grinned when he started to take off his pants? Why didn't he just take them off? He's wearing swimming trunks under them.

Ducky exhaled and walked away, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I watch, silently, as Ducky walks around to a few choice people and whispers something to them. Those people immediately look panicked and run to their collective groups of friends. I had to laugh. He wasn't asking them to leave. He was telling them the cops were coming.

I watched Ducky closely as he entered the house. One of the last people he approached in the already nearly-empty house was a guy. Martin something or other. He said something to Martin and they both laughed. Then Martin handed him something.

Hmm.

Ducky herded the last of the crowd out the front door and slammed it. Then he came back my way. As he passed the drinks, he grabbed a bottle that looked nearly full. I squinted at it. Southern Comfort. That again.

He took a swig from the bottle as he approached me, then handed it to me without speaking. I drank.

"Aren't you pants still wet?" I asked, wiping some of the alcohol that had drizzled down my chin.

"Yeah."

"Want a pair of my dad's sweat pants?"

Ducky made a face. "I'll live. It's warm." He sat in the chair next to me and reached into his pocket. He pulled out its contents and tossed it to the table. A cell phone, which was probably ruined, his wallet, which was probably soaked, and a small baggy.

So that's what he got from Martin.

"I'll buy you a new phone." I said, eyeing the baggy.

"Uh huh." Ducky muttered as he picked up the baggy. He dumped some of its contents on the table and opened his wallet.

"Do you do it a lot?" I asked quietly.

Ducky shrugged, still not looking at me. I took another swig from the bottle of Southern Comfort. "Not a lot. Well, I didn't used to. Lately, with Sunny . . . " He sighed, flapping a damp dollar bill in the air.

How did I not know? Did they not tell me because they thought I would be mad?

Ducky set the dollar bill on the table and removed a credit card from his wallet. He began crushing the little crystals he'd poured from the bag. I watched, fascinated. He did it with such ease. How did I not know?

He swept the newly crushed powder toward me with the card. A platinum Visa. When it was close enough, he divided it into two lines. Then he picked up the dollar bill again, rolled it up expertly, and handed it to me.

I didn't ask for more. I'm not even sure I want more. He's just giving it to me. Why?

Ours is not to question. That feeling came back, that wanting to show him we liked the same things, that there _is_ something there between us. I took yet another swig from the bottle and traded it for the dollar bill. I leaned down and snorted the two lines as Ducky began the entire process over again for himself.

Normally he does this with Sunny. Sunny. God, Sunny, why did you freak out so bad? Was there something going on between them besides drugs? There has to be. Look at the way she reacted. Something is going on. Something has to be. That was not a normal Sunny meltdown. That was more, that was too emotional, That was–

That's it.

I opened my mouth to ask. Because I had to. Because my thoughts are driving me insane, racing a mile a minute. Because Sunny freaked out. Because–

Ducky's kissing me again.

* * *

Gunshots.

Why am I hearing gunshots?

My eyes opened into slit. I wanted to scream at the daylight. And the gunshots. What _is_ that?

My brain stopped misfiring and identified the sound. Jeff's video game. In the living room. Surround sound.

Jesus. Has he no respect for the dead? He knows I was drinking last night...

I shut my eyes again. My head pounded. How did I even sleep? I guess the alcohol. But all of that speed, I would think that would have kept me awake...

Speed... Ducky...

Ducky, Ducky...

Why am I stuck on Ducky?

Where did he go? I strained my tired, wired, aching brain.

Sitting at the table... kissing..

Kissing.

Oh, God.

Oh, _no._

My eyes opened into little slits again, fighting my brains protests. I turned my pounding head slightly to the right.

He's here.

We're in my room.

My hands fly to my chest, my hips. I'm still wearing my bathing suit. Good. We must have just fallen asleep.

Ducky shifted and sighed.

And it hit me. All of it. The entire night. He'd started kissing me. We kept drinking. We did another line each. We kept kissing. I'd teased him about his pants. We kissed more. And apparently, I lost my mind, because I clearly remember unbuckling his belt, all of it. I don't do that. I'm not the aggressor when it comes to sex. Well, not sex, but sexual stuff. But I had done it. I had gone down on Ducky, right there on my back patio.

It didn't go much further than that, though. We didn't finish. _He_ didn't finish. We were both too far gone. Thank God. I could have lost my virginity last night. In fact, I remember thinking that. _I'm gonna lose my virginity._ To Ducky? He's gay! Right?

Well... I guess not. Or maybe he's bi. God. What have I done?

I opened my eyes further. Ducky was snoring. I nudged him. "Ducky?"

He stirred. "Mmm?"

"Ducky wake up."

His eyes opened, ever so slightly. "What's up?"

"You should go home."

He sighed. Why? Why am I kicking him out? Shouldn't we talk about what happened?

No. No, I just want to forget it. For now. I need to get my head straight.

Did you want me to do it, Ducky? Did I throw myself at you? What happened?

God.

Ducky sat up, sighing again. He was still wearing his trunks. He reached down and grabbed his pants. "Are you okay?" He asked. He was talking about the drugs.

"Yeah, actually." I replied. I want more, come to think of it. Of course. The article I read once. Am I addicted? I decided not to think about it. Forget about meth. No more. Ever.

Sunny.

Tears sprung to my eyes, and I quickly rubbed them, hoping Ducky wouldn't notice. Sunny hates me, I've alienated Ducky, I know I have. What have I done? And when Sunny finds out about _this?_ She's going to hate me for real.

Ducky finished getting dressed. I felt him lean down. Toward me. I removed my hands from my eyes to find him, his sweet, kind, handsome face, right next to mine. He kissed my cheek gently. "I'll see you later." He whispered.

That was it. No "It's okay," no "Don't worry," not even a "Thank you." Just _see you later,_ all casual, as if it was a normal day, as if we were normal friends.

The kiss on the cheek wasn't so normal. It was very... sweet. Intimate. Like a lovers kiss? Like I would know. I've never been a lovers anything.

I watched as Ducky left my room silently. I wanted him to come back. I wanted more speed. I wanted more booze. I wanted last night to be a bad dream. I wanted Sunny to call me. I wanted to be able to tell her what happened.

Instead, I cried. I cried and cried, silently, to myself, alone, with cheesy eighties music from Jeff's video game as a soundtrack.

* * *

"You just gonna stay drunk all day?" Jeff greeted me as I entered the livingroom the next afternoon with yet another glass filled with vodka and cranberry juice. I'd been trying to hide it from him. Jeff's no idiot.

So I merely shrugged. Jeff looked back at his game. "If you want to talk about it..."

"Not gonna happen."

Jeff scoffed. "I'm not a little kid here, Dawn. Whatever it is, I can handle it, okay? I saw Ducky leave, I know he stayed over. Is that was this is about? Isn't he gay?"

I groaned. "Jeffy, I can't talk about this with you, okay? Just... maybe he's not gay. I don't know. Forget it."

Jeff shrugged. His eyes had never left the screen.

I grabbed the phone, which I had left on the arm of the chair, and dropped it into my lap. Someone had to call. One of them had to. We're all too good of friends. Someone has to call.

I took a long drink of my "cranberry juice." Why don't I call them? No. No. Sunny hates me. Ducky will be too awkward. If one of them calls me, I'll know what to say.

I spent all day yesterday in bed, sleeping on and off, crying a lot. Waiting for the phone to ring. It did ring, of course. Several times. Not once did Jeff yell that it was for me, though.

So today I kept the phone in my lap. Maybe one of them _did_ call yesterday, but hung up when they heard it was Jeff. It's possible.

I watched Jeff play his game for nearly and hour. I had long since drained my drink. I sighed. I wanted speed again. Bad. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I'm not, like, having convulsions or anything, I just want it.

"Okay." I said finally.

Jeff paused his game and turned around. He leaned back on his arms. "Spill it. You'll feel better."

"How much do you know?"

"About what?"

I blushed. "About... stuff."

"What, sex? I know everything. Took classes. Plus my friend Jason? We order the porn channel on his pay-per-view all the time. His parents are loaded, they don't care."

I stopped thinking about myself for a minute. "How far have _you_ gone?" I asked, horrified. What if Jeff's done more than me?

Jeff laughed. "I haven't. First base, that's all, I swear."

"Thank God." I sighed again. "Okay. Like, everyone thinks Ducky is gay, right?"

"_Thinks_?" Jeff replied sarcastically.

I gave him a Look. "Well, even _thinking_ that, I still kind of had a crush on him. I don't know how that happened. And he started acting kind of like he liked me, too. At the party, he kissed me."

Jeff raised his eyebrows. "And?"

"Well, what do you think of that?" I can't believe I'm asking my little brother for advice.

He looked thoughtful. "Well, kissing isn't _that_ big of a deal. And you guys were both drunk. Right?"

"Yeah..."

"So what's the big deal? It's not. Something else must have happened."

"Well, more happened, but..." I shook my head.

"Trust me, I don't want to know any more than you want to tell me." Jeff looked thoughtful. "Look. If you like him, and something... _more_ than kissing happened, and you think maybe he likes you... you know what they say about walking like a duck and quacking like a duck." He added with a grin.

I grimaced. Jeff and his stupid jokes. "So, what? Maybe Ducky isn't gay? Maybe he likes me?"

"It kinda seems that way. But what do I know? I'm just a kid, right?" He smirked.

"Maybe..." I said quietly, looking down at the phone.

"Why don't you just call him?" Jeff asked gently. I looked at him. The smirk was gone. He just looked concerned.

"It's so much harder than that, Jeffy." I groaned. "I wish I could tell you, I do. I wish there was _someone_ I could talk to. I'm just... alone."

Tears were threatening. I fought them. Not in front of my little brother. Instead, I smiled. "Put the game on. I'm starting to like it."

And he did.

We spent the next two days like that, lounging in the living room, me drinking, him playing his game, sometimes turning it off and putting on a funny movie. We talked and laughed, ordered pizzas, and got to know each other a lot better. I would try and forget that nobody was calling. The phone rang, of course. Telemarketers, friends of Jeff, Dad. I told Dad about what I did to Carol's van. Only, I said I'd been getting the ice chest down for a trip to the beach. He wasn't mad. He said they were having a great time.

Ducky was supposed to help me fix the van.

I tried not to think about it. Sometimes, I even fooled myself into forgetting. But then, it would all come back to me. _Wham._ I'd be laughing at a movie and would flash on an image. Me unbuckling Ducky's belt, usually. Did he do something he didn't want to do? Why had _I_ made all the moves? Three days have passed. Three fucking days. Nobody has called me.

What if they're calling each other? What if something _was_ going on between them? They had kept the meth a secret, why not that? Sunny's reaction had been so insane, so over-the-top . . . God, what if they're in _love?_

I'm driving myself crazy. The more I think like this, the more I drink. The more I drink, the more I want speed again. I can't stop thinking about that, either. That rush. Do I want it because I'm addicted, or do I want it because it brought Ducky and I together? How do _I_ feel about Ducky? What must he think of me? What if–

The phone rang.

I pushed the button. "Hello." I said listlessly.

"Hey."

I froze.

"Are you there? I... I'm sorry. That I didn't call."


	6. Rejection

_**Dawn.**_

_**Rejection.**_

**a/n - this may - **_**may**_** - be the last chapter i write of this story. it's gotten very hard. we shall see. sometimes... stories just aren't meant to be told. **

"Dawn?"

"Mmm." The world was hazy. I'm _so_ tired. I don't ever remember being this tired.

"_DAWN!_" This time she sounded panicked. I opened my eyes and realized with a start I was holding my steering wheel. I jerked, swerving the car to the left. Nobody was next to me. Thank God.

I looked over to Sunny, who was staring at me, eyes wide. "I'm sorry." I said quickly, sitting up and yawning.

Asleep. I had fallen asleep driving on the I-5. I fell asleep _driving._ Jesus, what's _wrong_ with me? I'm not a religious person, but I glanced up nonetheless. _Thank you, God. Thank you for not letting me kill us._ As I glance back at the road, I note that my exit is coming up. Shit. How long was I out of it?

Sunny is still staring at me. Avoid the issue. She's done much crazier things.

I exited the freeway and navigated to Sunny's house without further incident. When I pulled to a stop at the curb, I finally look over at her. "So."

She smiles, our near-death experience long forgotten. "Tomorrow. You ready?"

I am not. "I'm ready. Do you think this will work?"

"It's been over a month, Dawn. It was just a blowjob. He'll be over it."

I am not. "But he hasn't talked to me..."

Sunny tsk's and shakes her head. "But I have. Trust me. He's over it. He's being... shy. It _is_ awkward, Dawnie. I mean, it's you, plus you're underage. Awkward."

"Awkward." I repeated. Oh, Sunny. Do you understand how _truly_ awkward this is going to be? Have you ever been in this situation? Why don't I know the answer to that?

Sunny exited my car, calling goodbye. Awkward. She and I knew awkwardness for a few days, after she'd called. It didn't take long for us to fall back into our routine, though. We've been friends too long. She called, we talked, I told her what happened with Ducky, she'd apologized for overreacting and blamed the drugs, and we'd spent the last month partying far away from home. I've become something of an expert at driving under the influence. Tonight, for instance. I haven't slept in... two or three days. I've been drinking. I guess it caught up to me.

I say it all so nonchalantly. I feel nonchalant about it all. But tomorrow, Ducky's birthday, seeing him for the first time since we... did what we did? I am not nonchalant.

I pulled into my own driveway and left my car without trying to be quiet. It's three in the morning, two hours past my curfew, but I am beyond caring. Dad won't care. Carol won't care. They never do.

Sure enough, when I walked through the door, nobody was waiting anxiously for me. I headed immediately for my room, still not being quiet. They don't care. Why bother.

I fall into my bed without undressing. I think I sleep within seconds. But who knows. My mind is barely my own these days.

"What are you wearing?"

I look down at myself. Short black skirt, black bikini top, a jacket over my arm, tall pink sandals. "Uh."

My dad's eyebrows knitted together. I know what he's thinking. I look like a hooker.

"Beach party." I explained, sniffling.

He still looks disapproving. "Which beach? Who's party?"

"Since when do you care?" I asked. I wasn't being rude.

"Dawn." My father replied.

"Newport beach. Ducky's birthday." I sniffle again, and wipe at my nose absentmindedly.

My father approaches me, put his hands on my shoulders. "Dawn." He says again, meeting my eyes.

I only hold his gaze for a moment. I look away. Out of... guilt? Mistrust? I don't know. I wonder what he sees in my eyes. Dilated pupils, a dullness. Can he smell the beer on my breath? I'm chewing gum.

Does my father know I do drugs?

I pictured myself, lately. I've dropped a few pounds, my skin has gotten paler. I've developed a little acne on my cheeks. These are all things that could be attributed to adolescence, puberty. I've become withdrawn, bitchy. Again, adolescence. I'm staying out until God knows when, God knows where. I'm just a normal teenager.

He lets go of my shoulders. He looks sad. I wish he would just say what's on his mind. Liberal parenting at it's best, I suppose.

I turn and walk away from him, to no objection. He doesn't care. Of course he doesn't. He's got Jeff, a wife, a baby to worry about. His oldest daughter being on drugs does not fit into the picture.

I get in my car and drive to Sunny's quickly. I welcome myself in her house - her dad is at the bookstore. When is he not? When I barge into Sunny's room she's in the middle of a line. Sunny's lost weight, too. She's neglected her hair, which has faded to an unflattering pink. She doesn't care. Are we drug addicts? Or are we just teenagers having fun?

I do two more lines in Sunny's bedroom, and we head out. To Newport beach. To Ducky's birthday party. I don't know what to hope for as I'm driving. Honestly? I'm hoping he'll see me and swoon. Because I am not afraid to admit anymore that I am a little bit in love with Ducky McCrae.

So we drive. And we arrive. And there is Ducky. My breath is taken away by the sight of him. Tall, tan, healthy, happy. Sunny and I _run_ to him, squealing. Ducky greets Sunny with open arms. After he lets her go he looks at me, smiling. "Dawn."

Hearing the man speak my name is enough to make it all happen again. I swoon. I fall. I wrap my arms around Ducky, fighting back tears. "I missed you." I whispered to him.

"I missed you, too." He replied quietly, tensing a little.

I held him a bit too long, not caring. My Ducky. What have we become? I kiss his cheek and he tenses even more. Oh, poor Ducky. I wonder again if he is gay. I had assumed no, after what happened, but maybe he's confused. I know I am.

I decided not to push the issue. Not yet. "Happy birthday!" I squealed as I pulled away. Sunny handed him our gift - a bottle of Southern Comfort. I hadn't wanted to bring back that particular memory, but Sunny had insisted it would be funny.

Ducky laughed as he took the bottle, twisting off the cap and taking a chug right away. He passed it to Sunny, who took a drink and passed it to me. I drink, long and hard. By the time I let go of the bottle it is half empty. No one notices. I run into Josh, Ducky's roomate. He's happy to see me. Everyone's happy to see everyone. Something nags at me.

I have more drinks. I do more lines. I have MORE drinks. It still nags.

Two hours after we've arrived, I see Ducky, who's standing at the bonfire chatting with a girl. She's pretty, a brunette, probably about his age. They appear to be friends. I watch them for a little while, drinking my drink and having a conversation with Sunny, not having any idea what we were talking about.

Then I see it.

The girl leans closer to him, telling him something private, I suppose. Ducky's hand lands on her waist comfortably, and stays there, even after she tells her secret.

The world went silent.

All I can see is Ducky's hand. Sitting there, comfortably, on some girls waist. Like it did on mine only a month ago. No. No. I shake my head. Sound comes back.

They're only friends. Ducky is an affectionate guy.

I walk away from Sunny.

Ducky sees me approaching, and his hand drops. I see his mouth move, and the girl edges away. Ducky comes toward me, and we meet almost in the middle.

"Come on, Dawn. Let's talk." He says, grabbing my wrist.

I allow Ducky to lead me away from the fire, toward the pacific. The moon is almost full, and I can see Ducky clearly. He sits down on the shore and pulls me with him.

"Ducky, what happened?" I ask.

He sighs. "I'm sorry I didn't call. I really am. I just... freaked. I mean, you're _Dawn_, and you're only sixteen, and... and I was starting to like you. I wasn't pretending, Dawn. I was very confused."

I smile, looking into his eyes. Poor Ducky. "I was starting to like, you, too." _And now I love you. Fuck._

"You understand, though, right? Why you and I can never..."

"I get it, Ducky. You're gay."

Ducky blinked. "What?"

"I guess I've always known. It was just a stupid crush, I knew better... I... I'm sorry."

"Dawn-"

"I just hope I didn't ruin our friendship." I barreled on.

"Dawn I'm not gay."

I stopped.

"I just... can't. You know that. It's _illegal_, Dawn. You're much too young for me."

I stared at him. "You were flirting with me for weeks."

"I-"

"You were leading me on. Oh my God, you _started_ it! You're not _gay_? I'm too _young_? Bullshit!" I shout, unable to stop myself.

"I was confused–"

"_YOU were confused?_" I'm shouting louder now. "What about me? Sitting by the phone for days, waiting for the guy I practically gave my virginity with to call... I'm too YOUNG? _BULLSHIT!_"

"Dawn, please stop yelling, please? I'll admit it, just stop..." Ducky looks as if he's going to cry.

I fall silent, staring at him.

"Okay. It's not your age. But I'm not gay. I was just... wrong? Okay? I'm just... not attracted to you. In that way."

I merely sat there, my lip quivering. How do you answer that? How do you answer the one thing guys have been telling you since you started dating? _It's just not right, we make better friends..._

"I love you, Dawn. You're my friend."

No.

I took a deep breath, raised my hand, and slapped Ducky across the face with gusto. All that trust, everything I had put into him... all for nothing. Everything I do is for nothing. It's like I don't matter.

Ducky didn't recoil from the slap, he simply sat there, still looking like he might cry. I stand up and run away, run to my car, and drive. I'm halfway home before I realize I forgot Sunny.

She's a big girl. She'll be okay.


End file.
